TRUE JOY

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The hunt for the holy grail,it's on the trail which leads to pure joy,which you find not by looking out but looking in,deep below your skin. Pleasure is a transient treasure,it’s in sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll,it’s not in your soul,it’s in taking, not giving,it’s a fleeting high,to which you’re always saying goodbye. Happiness is taking ...

‘YOU MUST BELIEVE IN SPRING’: A WORK OF SUBLIME, EXQUISITE PERFECTION.

For me, what we have here, music composed by the colossus, Michael Legrand, lyrics by the legends, Alan and Marilyn Bergman (French lyrics by Jacques Demy), on piano, the enigmatic Evans, Bill Evans, that mercurial maestro, and the voracious vocalist, the icon, Tony Bennett, we have in this team effort which produced this recording of ...

THOUGHTS ON A BAD DAY… STAYING STRONG, RESOLUTE, RATIONAL, FIGHTING THE BLACK DOG OF DEPRESSION

A tweet I published yesterday (@kobysfightback):     1/8 #depression #mentalillness# mentalhealth Blo*dy hell! I am being mauled by the #BlackDog today. I am on the floor! Last few days ain't been great but, today, splat! You couldn't peel me off the floor! Ran y/day, #running tomorrow, NEED TO! I'm drained, exhausted, numb...     2/8 #depression #mentalillness #mentalhealth #panicattacks  Defo time to ...

AM I SUFFERING FROM AN EATING DISORDER?

Perhaps a little obsessive on the calorie counting, protein counting front. Everything I do during the day, working, resting, playing, it’s all under an umbrella of calorie counting, it’s all part of my 24/7 food, eating, nutrition and running mindset.  Everything outside of food, eating, nutrition, running is subservient, in terms of importance and priority, to ...

LOVE IS…

Can we be completely explained by science?   Are we just oxygen, calcium, carbon, sulphur, magnesium et al?   Are we inherently ‘programmed’ to behave in certain ways, do we react to physical and mental stimuli as a result of electrical impulses?   Do we think and act independently or is it all just synapses, impulses, biological algorithms?   Do we make decisions ...

QUITTING MUST NOT BE AN OPTION

This morning, I went out for one of my runs. I felt heavy-legged, sluggish, when I got out of bed at 5.45am. It’s marathon training season, I ran 28km last Friday and 12km on Monday. Today, 8km with 14km coming up on Friday.     An aside, the back story: I’m 53 years old and started running, from ...

MY OBSESSION WITH EATING: AM I IN CONTROL OR AM I BEING CONTROLLED?

Four years ago, I started a major lifestyle change, dietary, exercise (running), no alcohol, big weight-loss, mental health focus.     Before I continue, I should point out that I suffer from clinical depression, I take SSRI antidepressants and I take betablockers to keep panic attacks at bay. I should also point out that I have OCD (psychiatrist ...

LIFE’S MOST BEAUTIFUL EXPERIENCE

The second most beautiful experience we can have in life is witnessing compassion, empathy, love and kindness, witnessing the manifestation of the very best of humanity:     https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l5umUPJ2G4Y     THE most beautiful experience we can enjoy in life is acting - OURSELVES – with compassion, empathy, love and kindness and witnessing the reaction from those towards whom the humanity ...

CLINICAL DEPRESSION: IT’S AN ILLNESS, IGNORANCE STILL ABOUNDS AND THE CONSEQUENCES OF THAT IGNORANCE CAN BE FATAL

A conversation I had yesterday with a pal of mine, a guy in his early 30's, from India, a guy with very little money who grew up in poverty, in India (poverty by Indian standards!), it shocked me (though I'm not sure why) but, more than that, it terrified me.     My pal (protecting confidentiality, I'll call ...

MY EXPERIENCE OF THE DARKNESS THAT IS DEPRESSION

An excerpt from a message I sent someone yesterday, a message in which I tried to convey some of the dynamics of a depression ‘episode’:     "...mental illness, depression et al, it is so destructive and, tragically, still so misunderstood. One of the big problems with depression is that although it manifests in many ways, although the ...

I AM WHAT I AM

During a recent conversation about the creative advantages of suffering from ADHD, I made, in relation to my own condition, clinical depression, the following comment:     “I'm sure that my mental illness, clinical depression, gives me an insight, an x-ray vision, which is more pronounced, deeper, when I'm going through an 'episode' (except when it's really deep ...

‘THE TIMES’: “ADOPTIONS FALL AS COUPLES CHOOSE IVF AND SURROGACY”. TRAGIC!

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Tragic.   'The Times':   ADOPTIONS FALL AS COUPLES CHOOSE IVF AND SURROGACY https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/adoptions-fall-as-couples-choose-ivf-and-surrogacy-hmblckr9k?fbclid=IwAR3G5sWJM_q9sftc9JXUq4eoXzYMP5leST74OQZy4Z9EF3AVThtfZnGhn7Q     My view/opinion/attitude is, I assume, informed by the fact that I am adopted.     I don’t want to generalise nor judge. There are, clearly, many reasons why a couple might opt for surrogacy over adoption (IVF is a different matter, I can understand why some people try IVF before ...

LIVE IN THE PRESENT, ‘IN THE MOMENT’, EACH UNIQUE MOMENT, OR YOU’LL MISS EVERYTHING

Facebook, today, posted on my ‘timeline’ a photo which I posted on 11 November 2011, a photo, dating back to around 2005, of two of my children (in 2005, we ‘only’ had two.). FB posted the photo 'memories' for my eyes only but I 'shared' the photo with my Facebook 'friends'. In the photo, my ...

TREE OF LIFE SYNAGOGUE MASSACRE: THE BEST, THE ONLY, RESPONSE

Anderson Cooper’s tribute to the Tree of Life Synagogue’s victims.     Anderson’s calm, respectful style and tone is perfect. What a pro! Sincere, warm and authentic:     https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BY0Jdusd5-A     How poignant it is that the Synagogue/Temple/Shul is just 5 minutes from where Fred ‘Mister’ Rogers lived, a man of love, kindness, tolerance and empathy.     Hatred and division must never be allowed to ...

SHANA TOVA UMETUKAH (GOOD AND SWEET YEAR) – MY GOOD WISHES TO EVERYONE

Wishing all my family, Jewish friends/followers a shana tova umetukah, a good and sweet year ahead (into next year, the following year and beyond), a year of good health, happy times, peace (for all people across the world), simchas (weddings, bar mitzvahs etc), nachas (events and occasions involving our families and friends which give us ...

A LIFE-CHANGING BOOK: ‘BEYOND HAPPINESS – HOW TO FIND LASTING MEANING AND JOY IN ALL THAT YOU HAVE’, BY SIR ANTHONY SELDON

Every now and then, we – certainly I – read a book which we feel is ‘life-changing’. However, I can’t think of a single book which has genuinely proved to be, for me, life-changing. I’ve read the books, felt, during the reading and when finished, that they were life-changing but then, over time, I’ve ‘forgotten’ ...

DEPRESSION: OFTEN AN INVISIBLE AND FATAL MENTAL ILLNESS

Following the latest, heartbreaking, tragic case of terminal depression at Bristol University (Ben Murray passed away just a few weeks ago, in May), Sam Gyimah MP, speaking at the University of Buckingham’s Festival of Higher Education, reiterated his call for providers to see themselves as being in loco parentis for vulnerable young students who were living away ...

PEOPLE WHO DIE FROM WHAT TURNS OUT TO BE TERMINAL CLINICAL DEPRESSION, THAT IS WHAT THEY DIE FROM, THEY DO NOT DIE FROM/OF SUICIDE – THAT IS ‘JUST’ THE FINAL, FATAL SYMPTOM OF THE DEPRESSION – AND, FAMILY AND FRIENDS, DO NOT BLAME YOURSELVES!

A lady I know, her son suffered from terminal clinic depression - he passed away a few years ago. She still, to a degree, blames herself inasmuch as she can't stop wondering what she could have done to prevent him dying.   I responded with this post (in the interests of confidentiality, I have changed her, and ...

RECURRING DREAMS: WE MUST NOT IGNORE THE VOICES IN OUR HEARTS/SOULS/SUBCONSCIOUS

Recurring dreams, the same one/theme, just before I woke up this morning AND yesterday morning - can go on night after night after night, has been for years - setting, always University or school, always about exams, going to fail them or have failed them, my life crumbling…     I must be in REM dream sleep just ...

MY ANTI-DEPRESSION MEDS DON’T LIVE MY LIFE FOR ME – THEY ‘MERELY’ ALLOW ME TO LIVE MY LIFE.

I am a 51 year old, life-long sufferer of clinical depression and anxiety – there’s a book in me, I should write it as I think it could be of value and assistance to other sufferers and their families/loved ones but that is not something for this blog.     I’ve had my ups and downs, some of ...

THE CRUCIALITY OF HAVING THE RIGHT MINDSET IN LIFE

3 years ago:     I don't think I realised how overweight I was back then!   Now: (I'm the one wearing the glasses!)     My mindset, 3 years ago, was so wrong, so damaging, so destructive.   I was passive, void of self-discipline. I had let myself go!   I wasn't controlling any aspects of my life, I wasn't even fire-fighting, I was simply being ...

A NEW EXPERIENCE TODAY – A SENSE OF EUPHORIA WHILST I WAS RUNNING…

Half marathon training, my plan was to run 16k/10 miles today, I did it but pushed on, to the half marathon distance, 21.1k (which was my max to date - before this morning), carried on...at 22k, a new experience, euphoria, a 'high', whilst running...23k...24k, I decided to make it 26k...I was running on autopilot, adrenalin...I ...

1) STOP BLAMING OTHER PEOPLE; 2) TAKE RESPONSIBILITY; 3) MOVE ON…

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What a nonsensical legal action!     http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2017/11/21/oxford-graduate-sues-university-1million-did-not-get-first-class/     This paragraph, in The Times (22 November 2017), settles the matter for me:     "After graduating from Oxford in 2000, Mr Siddiqui trained at one of the “magic circle” law firms, Clifford Chance, according to court filings, but was not kept on at the end of the programme. He worked for three other law firms and ...

MY PERSONAL EATING ‘DISORDER’ AND THE CONNECTION WITH MY OBSESSIVE PERSONALITY

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, or a highly compulsive personality, they are both extremely difficult to live with - difficult for the sufferer (especially if it comes with other conditions such as clinical depression and anxiety, as I know only too well!) and difficult for the family of the sufferer - everyone suffers!     The particular aspect to which ...

CONVERTING YOUR DREAMS INTO REALITY

Times (of London) 'obit' (18 January 2017) on William Peter Blatty, author of 'The Exorcist', Oscar winner ('Best Adapted Screenplay', 1974):     'When his novel The Exorcist was first published in 1971 it was a slow starter. “I got very nice reviews . . . but nobody was buying the book,” he said. The screenplay was greeted ...

ANOTHER TRAGEDY: WE MUST ALL RAISE AWARENESS OF DEPRESSION

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….and another….and another….and another, this time, a 49 year old, intelligent, artistic/creative, successful, admired, respected, loved and adored, husband, father, son….the list goes on, of course…close friend, another victim of the horrible, cruel illness - yes, illness - clinical depression, as much an illness and often, as in this latest tragic case, terminal, as cancer.     I ...

FRIENDS…

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I just have to tweet this photo:       Videos are great, of course, but 'stills' catch a moment...videos can miss the moment, they don't catch them, hold them, they don't suspend the moment like 'stills' do.     Here, my sister, with the dark hair, is catching up with an old friend ('old' as in they go way, way back). ...

ANDY MURRAY: A NATURAL COMPETITOR, A WINNER

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Andy Murray:   A spectacular competitor, sportsman, winner, tennis player.     The 4 aforementioned nouns aren't placed in any particular order except that I will say that I do think that the first three should come before 'tennis player' - of course, Murray is a fantastic tennis player but that is the minimum required to be in that top ...

IZZY DIX’S TRAGIC STORY: KILLED BY BULLIES

Teenager Izzy Dix's tragic story has consumed me today - what makes it worse is that Izzy's experience is not unique, it's not even uncommon. It happens, a lot.     Izzy’s poem: ‘I Give Up’:     "I arrive, Happy and fresh, Ready and excited To celebrate the goodness.   I am eager and keen to have a good time. As I smile from the bubbles ...

SALLY BRAMPTON: ANOTHER TRAGIC SUICIDE WHICH, MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, COULD HAVE BEEN PREVENTED

I read this on the BBC News website last night and it upset me to the extent that I could not compose myself enough to be able to ‘write’ a blog. The upset remains but some of it has given way to anger which has enabled me  -  motivated me  -  to blog:     http://www.bbc.com/news/uk-37769093     I look at ...

DEPRESSION: AN INVISIBLE ILLNESS

Mental Health and Invisible Illness Resources:   "I HAVE A CHRONIC ILLNESS   DON'T BE SURPRISED IF...   I DON'T ANSWER THE PHONE OR REPLY TO MESSAGES STRAIGHT AWAY; I CANCEL OUR PLANS, ESPECIALLY AT THE LAST MINUTE; IT SEEMS LIKE I'M NOT LISTENING OR NOT INTERESTED (BRAIN FOG); I LEAVE EARLY FROM A SOCIAL GATHERING OR PARTY; I SUDDENLY NEED TO LIE DOWN OR REST.   I ...

OCD: A BLESSING OR A CURSE?

I’m on a diet.     Well, it started as a diet but things have probably moved on a bit…I’m manifesting, I guess, anorexia, or am I?     I’m fully aware, fully conscious of what I’m doing and I wonder, I’m not a psychologist nor am I a psychiatrist, but I wonder if that differentiates me from an anorexic: are ...

LOOK AT, ACKNOWLEDGE AND APPRECIATE WHAT YOU’VE GOT!!

I have been cooked up in the house all day, I’m feeling flat, one of my usual ‘states’, I’ve been trying to rev myself up, crank the engine but there’s no spark so I’ll go out, get some air, wake up, connect with the living and have a coffee.     iPod, headphones on, music….Billy Joel…off I go….I ...

A LITTLE KINDNESS GOES A LONG WAY

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=thk2KJFU2iM   A little bit of effort in the realm of kindness can have a huge effect on people's lives.     I've just been watching Yaf, my wife, slicing some cake, wrapping it lovingly, ribbons and all...she's off to visit a friend who has just come out of hospital. Yaf could have just taken the cake but, no, she ...

“PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER!” (a monologue by me, James/Koby Gould, 16 March 2016)

“PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER!” :   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o-aNNP7tk1Q   "Everything is great. Well, on paper it is great. Love is all around, beautiful wife, gorgeous two year old son, doting parents, loving sister, terrific friends - but I feel all alone - great house, good job, cars, holidays…I’ve got it all, I guess. But I haven’t got it all…I haven’t got my ...

I GET SO MUCH MORE THAN PHYSICAL HEALTH BENEFITS FROM RUNNING

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Hardest but most invigorating, confidence-boosting run today: 9km to the Dan Accadia hotel (averaged 5.45mins per km), a spot of breakfast, a coffee at Bell Beach and then 9km back (midday heat, a lot of uphill running) in similar time.     Tiring? I guess so but the adrenalin and the endorphins were so in play that, at ...

THE BONDS OF RELIGIOUS/CULTURAL KINSHIP v THE BONDS OF HUMAN KINSHIP

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A video interview followed by blog comment:   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gXGfngjmwLA   I feel a bond with this lady, a lady whom I have never met, and doubtless never will, a bond of love and a bond of kinship. That kinship has two strands, a Jewish strand and a human strand. The interesting question I ask myself is whether the Jewish ...

BOOK RECOMMENDATION: ‘WINNERS – AND HOW THEY SUCCEED’ by ALASTAIR CAMPBELL

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Matt Parker (Head of Marginal Gains at British cycling):   “Pursuit of excellence has to be relentless, people underplay the amount of time and effort it takes to be the best in the world at anything. It should not, and it cannot, ever be comfortable, because the moment you feel comfortable you stop challenging yourself, so you ...

JONAH LOMU: HIS LIFE, AN INSPIRATION, HIS TRAGIC DEATH, SO YOUNG, A WAKE-UP CALL

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The death, at such a young age, just 40, of rugby union legend  -  icon  -  Jonah Lomu, has really upset and shaken me.   http://www.bbc.com/sport/rugby-union/34853536   I know nothing about rugby, I've never followed it (though I do 'get it', I see the 'beauty', the immense skill/talent  -  I love sport and I do appreciate that, in rugby, ...

I THINK THEREFORE I AM…

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...and, for years, it was more a case of "I don't think therefore I am not". I’m misunderstood these days so let me put the record straight. Many years ago, I fell for religion hook, line and sinker. In hindsight, I was vulnerable, I was ‘easy game’. I was ready to fall, I was standing on the ...

IMAGINE…

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Amongst John Lennon’s most famous words are the following: "Imagine there's no heaven It's easy if you try No hell below us Above us only sky Imagine all the people Living for today...   Imagine there's no countries It isn't hard to do Nothing to kill or die for And no religion too Imagine all the people Living life in peace...   You may say I'm a dreamer But I'm not ...

VATICAN SACKS PRIEST WHO COMES OUT AS GAY: AN ADMISSION OF BIGOTRY (of course, Orthodox Judaism and Islam will be supporting the Vatican on its decision).

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What an ugly, tragic story: http://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-34432701 More evidence that the Bible, Old Testament and New, is incompatible with equality and fairness. The Vatican is manifesting bigotry/homophobia (just as Orthodox Judaism and Islam do*  -  we would have seen the same if this Polish priest, Msgr Krysztof Charamsa, had been a Rabbi or an Imam). If British Airways ...

THE WORLD HAS GONE BERSERK (OR, RATHER, MANKIND HAS GONE BERSERK)

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Watch this: https://www.facebook.com/StandWithUs/videos/10153240246827689/?pnref=story This is beyond my comprehension. I am utterly heartbroken and despondent. There is no light on the horizon. Everything is wrong here, 2015 and we are mired in religious war, hatred on both sides (and within each side), politics and irrational belief  which is making people do and believe mad and dangerous things. This ...

OPENING MY EYES, OPENING MY MIND: GETTING REAL

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When you have experienced clinical depression and risen from the depths to see daylight again, after many, many years in the darkness, you find yourself a 'specialist' in the field of clinical depression. I'm not saying that the experience gives you the academic knowledge of a consultant psychiatrist but you do gain deep insight and ...

We Live In A Godless World

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I intended, from the outset, to keep CARRY ON KOBY a religion/politics-free zone. Change of plan. THE world news which is capturing and occupying the hearts of millions around the world: the tragedy of the asylum seekers fleeing today's evil. http://www.hrw.org/news/2015/09/02/dispatches-why-i-shared-horrific-photo-drowned-syrian-child One thing is for sure  -  we live in a Godless world! As I have said for some time, ...

Why I Gave Up Alcohol

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In the aftermath of the tragic premature death of Charles Kennedy last week, his good friend, Alastair Campbell, spoke to Sky News, not only about the personal loss but on the wider issue of creeping alcoholism which is spreading like wildfire throughout the UK. Alcoholism is a disease which hides behind the accepted drinking culture ...

The Beauty Of The Miracle Of Life

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I defy anyone to watch this and not to burst into tears: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mJ6Me4zVkwU It's difficult for me to put it into words because as much as I can appreciate what I'm seeing when I watch the video, as much as I can understand the elation, I can't know what they are experiencing. They are experiencing/feeling part of ...

You Are Not Alone

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I read a lot of inspirational quotes  -  daily  -  and every now and then, one comes along which really speaks to me. One of my inspirations, Andi Saitowitz, posted on Facebook today a quote by inspirational speaker and author, Harvey Mackay: "None of us got to where we are alone. Whether the assistance we received ...

Don’t Take Each Other For Granted

Such a beautiful yet heartbreaking tribute to Dave Goldberg from Sheryl Sandberg: https://www.facebook.com/sheryl/posts/10155493238390177 It reminds us of what, of course, we all know, that life can change so unexpectedly in an instant and that we must live our lives conscious of that fact. We mustn't be morose, we mustn't let that awareness depress us...on the contrary, we ...

It Really Is Mental!!

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I learnt something about myself today. The 'dawning' came to me via a fairly easy lesson, less than 30 minutes...my emotions? surprised, inspired, very empowered, excited, energised, liberated. What happened? I'm not really one for exercise but I know, particularly as I approach middle age, at 48 years old (well, 'they' say that 50 is the new 40!), ...

What does it take to be a winner?

Golfer Jordan Spieth yesterday won the 2015 Masters at Augusta, Georgia: http://www.bbc.com/sport/0/golf/32278605 (read how he did it)....and this is what winners do! Leading last year as he went into the 4th and final round of the Masters, he finished as the runner-up. He must have been gutted  -  self-doubt could have set in and made winning in ...

“The most important thing is to know oneself better.” — Spinoza. What do you think is the most important thing?

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A Facebook pal of mine posted the following on Facebook yesterday:   ' "The most important thing is to know oneself better." -- Spinoza. What do you think is the most important thing?'   My response:   "Heavy question! The most important thing (in terms of ourselves)? It took me over 40 years to get close to an answer. I blog a ...

Katie Hopkins’ message to you if you suffer from depression: ‘get a grip’, buy some running shoes and get some fresh air

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Katie Hopkins, a 'journalist', whose modus operandi seems to be to anger, hurt and shock, she's done it again: she describes depression as “the holy grail of illnesses”, “the ultimate passport to selfobsession”, she says that sufferers should “get a grip” and that “People with depression do not need a doctor and a bottle of something ...

Unearthing the talent within ourselves and our children

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http://www.surfermag.com/the-now/ray-collins/#HBUPdmfsHuiXRzfH.97 What a great story, so inspiring, hidden talent which may never have seen the light of day were it not for serendipity visiting Ray Collins, a colour blind miner in an Australian town which I hadn't heard of before today, Bulli. Ray was forced to give up, to leave, his job because of injury and with ...

Love in the extreme is more powerful than evil in the extreme

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Jan and Antonina Zabinski: heroism which renews my faith in humanity.  http://http://www.jta.org/2015/03/23/news-opinion/world/when-jews-found-refuge-in-underground-warren-at-warsaw-zoo What a beautiful story of selfless sacrifice against a backdrop of unimaginable, incomprehensible horror. Angels, Jan and Antonina Zabinski, harboured 300 Jewish children, taking the risk that the nazis (I never give that word a capital 'N', it doesn't deserve it) would find them, discover ...

First, accept and acknowledge that you have a problem!

Good afternoon, I only 'launched' this blog 3 days ago and can already say that the feedback has been interesting and not quite what I expected. People have been getting in touch with me to tell me their 'story'. One person told me that my story was almost a carbon copy of his and another person who ...