The effects of ‘going public’?

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I only ‘launched’ CARRY ON KOBY 5 days ago but the effects on me have been immediate and substantial.

Most/all of us have at least two personas, our public one and our private one. I am certainly no exception. I have, until this week, had a very private one, so private that I have often felt that the public one is not even related to the private one, that it has been an act. That said, I have been acting for so many years that it has become the real me (if that makes any sense).

On Sunday, I put a lot of the private ‘me’ on show and it has meant that when I have been out in public, bumping into friends and acquaintances, I have had to get used to being the private ‘me’ in public. It has been quite disorientating (or do I mean disorienting?), I have felt like introducing myself to everyone again! I am not sure what that feeling is…maybe one of liberation? (only I can answer that question).

I have found myself, the public ‘me’, face to face, constantly this week, with the ‘private’ me. I have been ‘looking’ closely at the private ‘me’ a lot this week. I guess the public ‘me’ is what I want to be…I certainly don’t really like the private ‘me’…if I did, I guess I would not have been keeping it to myself (gosh, this is a ramble!). The private ‘me’ is the insular, low self-esteem, low self-confidence, ‘dark’ me.

My having a public ‘me’ has, I think, always allowed me to ignore the ‘private’ me but now that it’s out there and not so private any more, now that it’s right in front of me and everyone else, I have found myself this week confronting it and asking myself questions, not quite getting the answers but seeing choices/options and that feels very positive.

I am also very pleased and happy that people have felt able to open up to me and talk about their own experiences of/with depression and associated conditions. I hope that they now feel that, in me, they have another friend in whom they can confide.

Finally this week, I want to thank all of you who have read all or part of my blog…from Sunday to Thursday, 336 of you have visited the site 540 times, i.e. 336 visitors, 540 visits, and I also want to thank, again, those who have sent me kind and encouraging messages…thank you!

Shabbat shalom. Let us all have in our thoughts those who have lost their lives in the dreadful events of the last few days and those who are left behind, traumatised and suffering. Here’s hoping and praying that Shabbos ushers in, Please G-d, a quieter week, a week of happy events and good news following the last few weeks’ dreadful events, that next week is a week of peace for everyone…

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