FORGOT TO TAKE MY PILLS!

"Feeling like the lights are on but no one's in, like I'm being punished for committing a sin, silence, nothing doing, brain not working, I'm not shirking, my brain really is not working, it's like my on/off switch is in the off position, I haven't got the mental wherewithal to make a decision, I just cannot think, can't do anything, I've lost ...

SELF-CARE, AS IMPORTANT AS THE MEDS!

"Adderall for my ADHD, and coffee, that's me, free of the shackles of fatigue and lethargy, I now feel awake, alive, but for Corona there'd be high-fives all around, yup, now feel sound as a pound, let's have a round of applause for adderall and caffeine, I mean, in the words of James Brown - and he knew, he was no clown, ...

WHAT’S THE POINT?

https://www.facebook.com/james.gould.754/videos/10160051134860828/ IMPORTANT, re the following poem, it does NOT reflect how I feel NOW! PLEASE DO NOT BE CONCERNED! I nearly didn't post it, so sensitive is the subject of suicide, and I know that it'll concern a lot of people but, please, do take note of the positive attitude in the second half of the poem. I ...

SOME MORNINGS…

'Wake up in the morning, sun outside,but inside, it’s pouring,not fully awake, mentally still snoring,pain,nothing to gain from getting out of bed,legs of lead,weighed down,it’s written in the frown on my face,anxious about re-joining the human race. Can’t see,nothing’s clear,everything distant,nothing, except the darkness, is near,my speaking, monotone,feeling lonely, alone. It’s just one of those days,the sun’s ...

DEPRESSION: AN INVISIBLE, OFTEN FATAL, ILLNESS…

'He’s the life and soul of the party,  the most socially-at-ease,  always the first to please,  the joker, the jester, the clown,  the man about town,  the one who is always up for a laugh,  the most popular member of staff, the mostly talkative on the team, his smile a blinding beam…  NEVER TAKE THAT SMILE AT FACE VALUE, it’s all an act,  he’s wearing a ...

ADHD, A MISSED DIAGNOSIS

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https://www.facebook.com/james.gould.754/videos/10160023163590828/ "Some quotations really resonate, and this one, by James Michener, is great: 'I love writing.  I love the swirl and swing of words as they tangle with human emotions.' Now, THAT is a notion,  replete with emotion,  which really strikes  a chord with me. Thanks to depression and ADHD, which numbed my mind, made me 'blind', as a kid at school, I just couldn’t see it: to get my English ...

A RUN WILL MAKE THE DIFFERENCE…

"Today, I can’t get my creative juices to flow,I don’t know what to write,the lights are on but no one’s home,I’ve got the imagination of a rock or a stone. Maybe today, a little depression,which has brought about some minor regression,but I’ll be ok later,after I’ve been out for a run,yeah, I know how to have ...

A DAY TO PROFESS LOVE AND GRATITUDE

"Tu B’Av, Jewish Valentine’s Day,   on which we send our thanks above   for the blessings that have given us the ones we love.   But, in addition, today, it is my mission   (as a poet, and didn’t you just know it    - I do feel queasy, that line was pretty cheesy)   to give thanks to Yaf, my wife,   on our anniversary,    the Hebrew date,   so ...

DEPRESSION, NO SHAME, IT’S AN ILLNESS

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"Depression is often invisible, to deny that it’s an illness, that is risible.  Sufferers, listen, there’s no reason to feel shame,  I don’t want to see nor hear the word ‘blame’. Many years ago, depression almost killed me,  I was as good as dead, the doctors said they didn’t know if I’d pull through,  if I’d make it.  I certainly didn’t fake it, my illness ...

SUNDAYS CAN BE TOUGH DAYS

"Some days, just getting up in the morning  can be an achievement,  It can be difficult when you feel like you’ve suffered a bereavement, Take it easy, don’t frown, Don’t let depression get you down. It’s Sunday, it needn’t be a fun day, Life’s a rollercoaster, lots of ups and downs, Not every day is for jesters and clowns. Cut yourself some slack Don’t look ...

REGRETS? NO!

"Went left, not right,What a plight!Went right, not left, I was bereft!I left, didn't stay,Why didn't I obey?I stayed, didn't leave,Why didn't I believe?But the road I travelled to get me here,To my children and my darling dear,It was the only road,Truth be told.So, mistakes, errors: regrets?Should I be miffed?No, they were blessings,They were a gift." ...

DARKNESS AND LIGHT: TOMORROW’S ANOTHER DAY…

Yesterday, I saw the sun, Today, I am numb. Last night, I saw the moon, it was a boon, Today, clearly came too soon. Yesterday connected, Today not. Yesterday, up for living, Today, not a lot. Yesterday, an appetite, Today, I'm not right. Yesterday, the world, a sense of awe, Today, it's all rather a bore. The stillness, it's an illness, Soon, I'll take my pills to attack ...

THE BLACK DOG’S REALLY SUNK HIS TEETH INTO ME THIS MORNING!

Wow! The chill winds of depression are cutting right through me this morning (I've taken my antidepressants but they may as well be sugar pills!). I'll be ok when I've taken my ADHD med (Adderall)*. That'll crank my engine. But, for now, the lights are on but no one's in... My depression demon has really thumped ...

I AM NOW TAKING ADDERALL (like Ritalin): AM I RIGHT, HAVE I BEEN SUFFERING FROM AND WITH UNDIAGNOSED ADHD ALL MY LIFE?

I’ve been prescribed Adderall for ADHD. I'm 54. I take an antidepressant (Citalopram), anti-psychotic (Aripiprazole), together for clinical depression and OCD, and a beta blocker (Metoprolol) for panic attacks. I felt really flat this morning. Then I took my meds (taking Aripiprazole tonight). Buzzing, a new type of buzz! Not, IMHO, related to having also taken ...

TRAUMA: IF WE DON’T PROCESS IT, IT WILL WEIGH US DOWN AND HOLD US BACK…

My memoirs, I wrote about trauma yesterday.  My friend, my good friend, my mentor, motivator, Britt Sevitt (she doesn’t know that she is my mentor/motivator but she is, she just is), she has been talking to me about trauma, trauma in childhood. Until we got into this area, I thought that childhood trauma meant stuff like ...

“FAKE IT ‘TIL YOU MAKE IT”, a play by BRYONY KIMMINGS and TIM GRAYBURN:

I’ve just read a superb play which painfully resonates with me. I found it, in parts, hard to read! Bryony Kimmings and Tim Grayburn’s “Fake It ‘Til You Make It” is, in essense, a play about depression, what it is, what it is like to live with, from the view/standpoint of the sufferer, Tim, and his ...

A LIFE-CHANGING BOOK: PHIL HEWITT’S ‘OUTRUNNING THE DEMONS – lives transformed through running’

I often read a book and say afterwards that it's a "life-changing book" but I'm not sure that any has actually proved to be that - life-affecting, perhaps, but "life-changing", hmmmm....I don't know. However, a book which I'm reading now, and haven't finished yet, I already know that it'll be, for me, life-changing. In my ...

WHY I’M EXCITED ABOUT NEXT WEEK’S ULTRAMARATHON DESPITE THE FACT THAT I KNOW IT’S GOING TO HURT…

NEXT WEEK, at 12.01am on 16 June 2020, I'll start, with my son, my/our first ultra-marathon. On that day, I turn 54 years old. We're running 54km (33.75 miles) up and down 730m-long Herzl Street, Ra'anana. It's part of a training programme geared towards a 100-mile (160km) run, all on Herzl Street (222 times up ...

‘MONSTER-MARATHON MENTAL MILLION CHALLENGE’

‘MONSTER-MARATHON MENTAL MILLION CHALLENGE’  As many of you will know (publicity-shy I am not and, in this matter, it’s just as well!), Ziv and I have set ourselves a challenge: NAME OF CHALLENGE: ‘MONSTER-MARATHON MENTAL MILLION CHALLENGE’  WHAT IS THE CHALLENGE? THE “HERZL HUNDRED”: To run 100 miles (160km) on Herzl Street, Ra’anana* (less than half a mile long) in under ...

OUR CHILDREN’S MENTAL HEALTH IS BEING IGNORED! SITUATION: CRITICAL!

It’s 8am, I walk downstairs, I see my daughter sitting, motionless, silent, expressionless…. She’s got a bagrut exam this morning (she’s 18, the bagrut is the Israeli equivalent of an English A-Level): “What the exam today?” She thinks for a second, translates the Hebrew into English for me: “Jewish philosophy”, she mumbles, her face still expressionless.  “Jewish philosophy”, I ...

34C/94F THIS MORNING: WHAT DROVE ME TO RUN IN THIS HEAT? WHAT DID I GET OUT OF THE RUN?

It was a hard run this morning, much harder than it should have been! It wasn't a long run, only 10km, but it was hot! My alarm was set for 5.10am. I should have been out the door by 5.30am, on the street for the run. Unusual for me but I slept through the alarm.  Showered and dressed ...

QUESTION. PSYCHOLOGIST TO ME: “DO YOU EVER EXPERIENCE PEACE?”

My psychologist asked me a question yesterday (2nd session), asked me if I ever experience "peace" - I had to think about that one! After a few moments' thought, I told her that I find it in music, in listening to music. She asked me if I find/experience it in/during my running. Again, a few moments' ...

THE SOURCES OF DEPRESSION

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A few days ago, I 'penned' a blog entitled: "FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A PSYCHOLOGIST…AND, IN THE WORDS OF ‘THE GODFATHER OF SOUL’, JAMES BROWN, “I FEEL GOOD”". I've been thinking about it, about that first session with the psychologist, thinking about mental illness, thinking about why I might have the conditions, clinical depression, anxiety, panic attacks, OCD, ...

FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A PSYCHOLOGIST…AND, IN THE WORDS OF ‘THE GODFATHER OF SOUL’, JAMES BROWN, “I FEEL GOOD”

I've had to get this down on paper, or laptop screen, whilst the adrenalin is still flowing... I've just seen a psychologist after decades of psychiatric treatment without, to all intents and purposes, ever really seeing a psychologist. I take meds for my clinical depression, anxiety, panic attacks and OCD. If I stop my meds, I'm a ...

‘STAND-ALONE’ EATING DISORDER OR ‘JUST’ A SYMPTOM OF OCD and/or OBSESSIVE PERSONALITY?

I’m watching, and loving, ‘The Sopranos’.     One of my ‘issues’ in life is calorie counting and keeping tabs on my daily protein intake.     I keep myself on a tight food rein and what they seem to do most in ‘The Sopranos’, more than killing people and going behind their wives’ backs, is eat - eat, eat, eat, ...

DEPRESSION: THE LIGHTS ARE ON BUT NO ONE’S HOME

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Numb, disconnected, I'm on the outside of the world, looking in, I feel like I don't belong, like I'm out of place. I'm jaded, drained, exhausted, so, so tired, frustrated, angry, shame of who and what I am (though not ashamed of my depression!), hatred of myself, disoriented, intolerant, impatient, irrational, illogical, hopeless, hopelessness, pointless, ...

THOUGHTS ON A BAD DAY… STAYING STRONG, RESOLUTE, RATIONAL, FIGHTING THE BLACK DOG OF DEPRESSION

A tweet I published yesterday (@kobysfightback):     1/8 #depression #mentalillness# mentalhealth Blo*dy hell! I am being mauled by the #BlackDog today. I am on the floor! Last few days ain't been great but, today, splat! You couldn't peel me off the floor! Ran y/day, #running tomorrow, NEED TO! I'm drained, exhausted, numb...     2/8 #depression #mentalillness #mentalhealth #panicattacks  Defo time to ...

AM I SUFFERING FROM AN EATING DISORDER?

Perhaps a little obsessive on the calorie counting, protein counting front. Everything I do during the day, working, resting, playing, it’s all under an umbrella of calorie counting, it’s all part of my 24/7 food, eating, nutrition and running mindset.  Everything outside of food, eating, nutrition, running is subservient, in terms of importance and priority, to ...

A ‘MUST READ’ BOOK! “JOG ON: How Running Saved My Life”, by BELLA MACKIE.

I’ve been reading a lot of books which resonate with me these days: Bella Mackie’s terrific, inspiring "JOG ON – How Running Saved My Life” is one of them. In fact, Bella’s book, her story, mirrors my story in many ways. I so ‘get’ Bella, I can see so much of myself in her struggles ...

CLINICAL DEPRESSION: IT’S AN ILLNESS, IGNORANCE STILL ABOUNDS AND THE CONSEQUENCES OF THAT IGNORANCE CAN BE FATAL

A conversation I had yesterday with a pal of mine, a guy in his early 30's, from India, a guy with very little money who grew up in poverty, in India (poverty by Indian standards!), it shocked me (though I'm not sure why) but, more than that, it terrified me.     My pal (protecting confidentiality, I'll call ...

MY EXPERIENCE OF THE DARKNESS THAT IS DEPRESSION

An excerpt from a message I sent someone yesterday, a message in which I tried to convey some of the dynamics of a depression ‘episode’:     "...mental illness, depression et al, it is so destructive and, tragically, still so misunderstood. One of the big problems with depression is that although it manifests in many ways, although the ...

I AM WHAT I AM

During a recent conversation about the creative advantages of suffering from ADHD, I made, in relation to my own condition, clinical depression, the following comment:     “I'm sure that my mental illness, clinical depression, gives me an insight, an x-ray vision, which is more pronounced, deeper, when I'm going through an 'episode' (except when it's really deep ...

PEOPLE WHO DIE FROM WHAT TURNS OUT TO BE TERMINAL CLINICAL DEPRESSION, THAT IS WHAT THEY DIE FROM, THEY DO NOT DIE FROM/OF SUICIDE – THAT IS ‘JUST’ THE FINAL, FATAL SYMPTOM OF THE DEPRESSION – AND, FAMILY AND FRIENDS, DO NOT BLAME YOURSELVES!

A lady I know, her son suffered from terminal clinic depression - he passed away a few years ago. She still, to a degree, blames herself inasmuch as she can't stop wondering what she could have done to prevent him dying.   I responded with this post (in the interests of confidentiality, I have changed her, and ...

MY ANTI-DEPRESSION MEDS DON’T LIVE MY LIFE FOR ME – THEY ‘MERELY’ ALLOW ME TO LIVE MY LIFE.

I am a 51 year old, life-long sufferer of clinical depression and anxiety – there’s a book in me, I should write it as I think it could be of value and assistance to other sufferers and their families/loved ones but that is not something for this blog.     I’ve had my ups and downs, some of ...

MY PERSONAL EATING ‘DISORDER’ AND THE CONNECTION WITH MY OBSESSIVE PERSONALITY

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, or a highly compulsive personality, they are both extremely difficult to live with - difficult for the sufferer (especially if it comes with other conditions such as clinical depression and anxiety, as I know only too well!) and difficult for the family of the sufferer - everyone suffers!     The particular aspect to which ...

DEPRESSION: AN INVISIBLE ILLNESS

Mental Health and Invisible Illness Resources:   "I HAVE A CHRONIC ILLNESS   DON'T BE SURPRISED IF...   I DON'T ANSWER THE PHONE OR REPLY TO MESSAGES STRAIGHT AWAY; I CANCEL OUR PLANS, ESPECIALLY AT THE LAST MINUTE; IT SEEMS LIKE I'M NOT LISTENING OR NOT INTERESTED (BRAIN FOG); I LEAVE EARLY FROM A SOCIAL GATHERING OR PARTY; I SUDDENLY NEED TO LIE DOWN OR REST.   I ...

“PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER!” (a monologue by me, James/Koby Gould, 16 March 2016)

“PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER!” :   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o-aNNP7tk1Q   "Everything is great. Well, on paper it is great. Love is all around, beautiful wife, gorgeous two year old son, doting parents, loving sister, terrific friends - but I feel all alone - great house, good job, cars, holidays…I’ve got it all, I guess. But I haven’t got it all…I haven’t got my ...