Carry On Koby

A few days ago, I ‘penned’ a blog entitled:

“FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A PSYCHOLOGIST…AND, IN THE WORDS OF ‘THE GODFATHER OF SOUL’, JAMES BROWN, “I FEEL GOOD”“.

I’ve been thinking about it, about that first session with the psychologist, thinking about mental illness, thinking about why I might have the conditions, clinical depression, anxiety, panic attacks, OCD, wondering what their being clinical actually means.

I believed, until recently, that depression, although it manifests in many ways, although sufferers present with a variety of symptoms, I always thought that, in the big picture, it’s black and white, it’s clinical or it’s non-clinical, and that as, in my case, it is clinical, there really isn’t much point, if any, in consulting with a psychologist, that seeing a psychologist would be as useful for me as it would be for a diabetic.

Now, I’m not so sure…

I’m adopted so I don’t know my biological family history. Back in the 60’s (1960’s), the adoption authorities were more interested in the health of the adopting parents than of the biological parents. If I was to find out now that my birth mother and/or biological father suffered or suffers from and with ‘my’ conditions, it would be reasonable for me to assume that it’s genetic. But I don’t know.

a) A person can be born with depression, genetic or otherwise, or, rather, born with a hard wiring that pretty well guarantees that he/she will suffer from depression regardless of the ‘real life’ conditions;

b) I also believe that there are people who are born with a pre-disposition to depression, that some people are vulnerable to it, but that they can go through life without suffering from it or that circumstances might come about which trigger it (mine can be triggered but I can also be consumed by depression ‘out of the blue’, no trigger or, rather, no trigger of which I am aware);

c) there is, of course, non-clinical depression, depression caused by circumstances, e.g. bereavement and divorce;

d) I also believe that many people suffer from non-clinical depression because they are not living authentic lives, because their bodies, minds, hearts and souls are out of sync. I believe that if you ignore your ‘heart’, you can be consigning yourself to a life of frustration, even torture, and that the frustration/torture can manifest as depression.

e) I think that, or wonder if, one can be born without depression ‘in the system’, without the lurking demons, without a black dog in an internal kennel, but if something can happen in that person’s life, something which ‘shorts a circuit’, only for the automatic internal repair to go wrong. I wonder if it’s possible for the hard wiring in the brain to be ‘re-connected’ incorrectly, for ‘malfunctions’ to then follow: that would be clinical depression but the source would be a non-clinical event.

I am not referring to, for example, PTSD, which causes a ‘short circuit’ resulting in specific symptoms in specific situations, e.g. PTSD suffered by soldiers in Afghanistan who might, on their return home, be agoraphobic.

I’m talking about an ineffective repair which causes ‘general’, clinical depression, depression which can manifest just as it does in people who suffer from/with genetic depression;

Now, I know, for a fact, that my conditions are clinical (if I don’t take my meds, I “can’t” function), that I have a mental illness(es) but I don’t know if it/they are:

1. genetic;
2. I was born with non-genetic depression hard wiring;
3. my body, mind, heart and soul is out of sync (actually, I do think that that is in play in my case, that it’s part of the problem);
4. something, an event, events, happened in my life, an event/events which ‘broke’ me, which caused my ‘wiring’ to short, and, when ineffectively repaired, left me with general clinical depression and the other conditions.

I guess it’ll become clear in my sessions with the psychologist. Although I’ve only had the one session, that grey area, number 4 above, the thought of it resonates with me. I have a feeling that something snapped many years ago, when I was a child, that the damage wasn’t repaired properly and that because of an event or events, perhaps a series of events, I, to draw a parallel with a computer, don’t work properly. I also, as I ‘said’ above, do feel that number 3 applies in my case.

Watch this space…