This latest episode of depression, darker and deeper than usual, yes, of course, I’ve got my meds, but exercise – for me, running – pushing myself, challenging myself, getting out of my comfort zone, sleeping right, eating right, trying really hard to stay connected to the world, in doing everything I can, not regarding the meds as a magical panacea, I shall smash this depression to a pulp!



The meds only do half the job, they merely allow me to function, but it’s up to me to do the living. They level the playing field but it’s up to me whether or not I want to play!




Everyone’s got their sh*t, this is mine. It’s not easy. It can be horrendous for my wife and the kids because I can be intolerable – cold, distant, short-tempered, unsociable, intolerant, impatient, angry, snappy, in essence, a toxic element in the house. How many times can I say “sorry” before the apology becomes valueless?



But, I’ve been able to rationalise my dark feelings, appreciate that they are ‘just’ the symptoms of the mental illness, a manifestation of the depression, I know that they don’t reflect my reality. I’m on the case, got a great psychiatrist and I think I’ll look into finding an appropriate psychologist/therapist.


I don’t just owe it to myself – I owe it to my family who, as usual, in their anguish, have managed to be there for me 24/7 with the love and success. And, my friends, you and your love, compassion, understanding, patience and support have touched me more than you know. Thank you for giving me the space I’ve needed.



Thank God, it’s passing but life’s a rollercoaster, it is for everyone, the black dog will be back, maybe next time to nibble me, maybe to deliver another mauling, but he won’t savage me beyond repair, I shall put humpty dumpty back together again.



PS this is not a self-indulgent “poor me” post! It’s me reaching out to sufferers to let them know that they are not alone in their suffering, it’s a shout out to sufferers to let them know that there is light at the end of the tunnel!!

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