I’m feeling pretty emotional and tearful today.
The effect that Adderall is having on me, on my ability to focus, on my attention level, on my positivity, the lift that is has given me, it is mind blowing! I feel like I have been let out of prison. I feel a sense of euphoria. I have never had this feeling before. I feel like I can take on the world. Until now, I’ve not been able, not felt able, to take on big tasks and have been spending my days doing the easier tasks whilst the bigger ones, they have become even bigger, ever bigger, and all the more daunting. I’ve been fooling myself into believing that I’ve been busy and effective, just fooling myself. Paperwork mounting up, unopened letters, piles of papers which need to be filed away, clutter everywhere, so much clutter, so much rubbish, years of the stuff, that I’ve been walking into my office and walking straight out again! Now, it’s all change, I’m buzzing, got fire in my belly!
I am mindful of addiction. My fear is needing more to get the same effect and, if that happens, it’s an alarm bell. I know to watch out for addiction signs though my psychiatrist said that needing more to have the same effect is rare with this med.
Like one has to do with all meds, I’ll keep an eye on things, as will he, I’m sure.
If Adderall had been around when I was a school kid, if the medical profession had known about AD(H)D, if it had been recognised as ‘real’, that it can be treateded, things might have been – they would have been – very different. All that time, sitting in classrooms, staring out of the window, being a disruptive influence, all that time being what one of the teachers at school called me, “a fool unto himself”…. what a waste, what a waste of time and opportunity!
Still, I guess that we can all say that we’d have done better, however well or not so well we’ve done, career-wise, we can all say that if we were young again but with our adult head on our shoulders, things would be different. But, of course, that means that EVERYTHING would have been different. If I’d had this med when I was 4, 5, 6, 7…. years old, yes, I might have been a straight-A’s student (I did manifest moments of intelligence and ability, real ability, but they were rare – what frustrated the teachers most was their believing that I had the ability but wasted it and the opportunities), I might have been a straight-A’s student
I’d have gone down other paths, none which would have led me to Yaf and the kids so I guess I have to think of the attitude and the level of knowledge in the medical profession at the time, knowledge about ADHD, as a blessing and I just have to be thankful for the fact that the med is around now, I can take it, thankful that it is helping me now.