AM I SUFFERING FROM AN EATING DISORDER?

Perhaps a little obsessive on the calorie counting, protein counting front. Everything I do during the day, working, resting, playing, it’s all under an umbrella of calorie counting, it’s all part of my 24/7 food, eating, nutrition and running mindset. 

Everything outside of food, eating, nutrition, running is subservient, in terms of importance and priority, to the obsession. 

The irony is, of course, that whilst, for me, it’s about ‘control’, my need to be ‘in control’, the opposite is my reality: I am being controlled, controlled by my obsession. 

I’m pretty sure that I could get help to free myself from the obsession but the problem is that whilst, on one level, I guess I’d LIKE to be freed, I don’t really, deep down, WANT to be freed from it. It aggravates me, yes, it drives me mad at times, but it satisfies me (though I guess not unlike the satisfying of, or surrender to, addiction). I suppose it’s like an illness which one learns to live with – everyone lives with a condition, an ache, a pain, everyone is fighting a battle of some sort!

I don’t know if I have an ‘eating disorder’ per se or if it is ‘just’ a symptom of my obsessive personality (which manifests itself in many ways). That said, I guess that if it is that, a manifestation of an obsessive personality, it’s still an eating disorder.

I’ll overcome it, just as I’ve managed to overcome other symptoms of my obsessive, compulsive personality. The main thing is, I guess, that I have acknowledged that I have a problem.

In contrast to where I have been in my life, deep, deep down in the darkness, the pitch black, of hellish depression, in a cell of panic attacks, zero self-esteem, zero self-belief, zero self-concept, overweight, unfit, disconnected, I’m in a great place now. Before I was introduced to running (almost 5 years ago, when I was 48 years old), I was merely functiong: now, I am living! It’s all relative, not relative to where other people are but relative to where I was in the past.

I’m getting there….

 

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